Summer
by Beautiful Taboo
Summary: AU: Whenever summer comes, something different happens in my life and everything changes. Sometimes, it’s for the better, and sometimes, it’s for the worse. MelloxMatt


**A/N: **Written for mycrimsonrose13's contest in LJ. Thank you to Karu-chan for the beta! You are awesome!

* * *

**Summer**

_The butterfly counts not months but moments,_

_and has time enough._

-Rabindranath Tagore

* * *

Summer has always been important to me.

Whenever summer comes, something different happens in my life and everything changes. Sometimes, it's for the better, and sometimes, it's for the worse.

Today was my last summer in Wammy's Orphanage.

I turned eighteen a few days ago, and that day finally decided the end of my residence at Wammy's. Watari said that I'm ready to face the world, but I wonder if it's true.

Everything outside seemed much brighter and bigger than when you look at it from inside. Watari gave me a few minutes to say goodbye to my friends, but all I did was to go around in circles, trying to dig up old memories that I wanted to keep. They weren't much, but…

Well, let's start at the beginning.

* * *

"Children, take your seat!"

It was my first summer at Wammy's Orphanage. I was three years old then, and the last thing I remember was my mother handing me to Watari, and after that, I think I passed out.

My mother put me up for adoption. Mom was just sixteen and dad was her teacher (I never really knew how old he was). She used to tell me stories, then she'd hit me right after. For some weird reason, I could understand everything she told me, and Watari said that it was a gift, and that was why I was accepted at his orphanage.

I didn't care much about them. She wasn't a very good mother, and Watari felt more like family with the one night that I slept on the second bed in his room. He was nice, and he even gave me this really cool game to play with. In fact, I couldn't stop playing it. It was my very first videogame. A Brick Game.

"This is Matt," he said. I looked up. My real name was Mail, but I found that I liked Matt better. I didn't say anything and went back to playing my game. "Why don't you say hi to others?"

I glanced at the children. They all looked the same, except for two people that stood out. The first one was the tallest. He was pale and he had deep, sleep-driven eyes. I learned later that he was called L. The second one was someone younger than me, and he almost looked small enough to be a baby. He was in front of everyone, and he was sucking on a piece of Lego. What was striking about him was his speculating eyes and his white hair.

"Hi," I mumbled, a bit forcedly. I was never good with people.

"Hi, Matt," the other kids chorused, except the white-haired one. I went back to my game.

Soon, Watari led me to the house bedrooms and said that I'll have a roommate. I wondered what kind of person my roommate would be, and if I'd end up liking him or her. I was wrong in wondering.

Because what I didn't know was that he would be the person would change my life.

When I reached the room, I saw him. He wasn't in the main room before, and the sight of him was enough to stop me. Something about him was striking, I just couldn't put my finger onto it. I dropped my brick game on the floor.

The other boy had his back onto me, and from what I saw, he was pretty skinny. His black t-shirt was too wide at the sleeves, and his slender neck stood out from behind his cropped blonde hair.

"This is your new roommate," Watari told me. I hurriedly picked up my game from the floor. "His name is Mello. Do you think you can get along with him?"

I nodded, but I didn't really know the answer. Watari smiled and I made my way towards the closest bed.

I didn't have any intention of speaking to Mello. I just stared at him.

He seemed to have sensed that, and he turned around to face me, a glare on his face. He didn't say anything, but I knew that he wanted to me mind my own business, so I looked away. For a few more days, I would wonder if Mello really _was_ a boy.

It was his eyes. They were blue, and they were sad and cold. And his hair too. It wasn't really the regular blonde. It was more like pale gold, and it looked soft and shiny.

On some nights, I would find myself thinking about Mello's eyes or wondering about his hair, and I'd fall into a dreamless sleep.

That was how my first summer went at Wammy's.

My second summer was pretty much the same. Not a word passed between me and Mello, only my stares which were returned by his glares. I haven't figured out much about him yet.

That is, until my third summer came.

* * *

During my third summer, I grew a lot. I was five years old by then, but like always, I was pretty much alone.

I found a secret place during that time. It was under a cave-shaped bush at the very back of Watari's garden. I'd spend all day on my new Game Boy Advance and no one bothered me.

But it was also during that time that a small chaos formed in Wammy's Orphanage. It was the summer after L turned eighteen.

He actually came to age a good five months before summer began, but the others liked him so much. They wanted him to stay. L agreed, but Watari gave him the time limit, and I remembered the day when his departure came.

Everyone looked up to L. I liked L, too. He was smart and he was nice to all of us. He didn't actually smile a lot, but I liked hearing him talk, and having him teach us some Math techniques. I guess everyone felt lonely because he would leave.

I couldn't watch L's departure. I felt sad that I decided to hide and play in my secret place than watching him leave. I believe I'm good at pretending like nothing happened, and at that moment, I decided to forget that L even existed. It wasn't hard.

To my surprise, someone came.

I peeked out from a hole and I saw Mello, squatting on the grass. His hair grew a lot longer with time, until it reached half of his neck. It looked really beautiful. He was picking on a rock, and he was biting his lower lip. I could see him shaking, but I couldn't figure out if he was angry or not.

Then I realized it.

Mello loved L, too. He wasn't any different from us. That's why Mello was acting weird last night, and that's why he didn't even glare at me. I couldn't take it, and I felt L's existence came back once more.

I stepped out of my hiding place and walked towards him.

Mello spun around, that glare on his face. He was angrier than before, and for the first time, he spoke to me.

"What do you want, you little piece of shit?" he hissed. Since back then, Mello had a colorful vocabulary. He bit his lower lip again. I could see blood.

I just sat next to him, and like an idiot, I began crying. I cried and cried until I felt my tears running down my cheeks and my nose running like crazy. I didn't care. I just broke down right there in Watari's garden, next to my roommate that I didn't even talk to. And I even left my new GBA back in the bush.

Mello cursed again, but I couldn't remember what he said. All I could hear was the sound of my own crying. He pulled my arm down and stared at me with his cold, blue eyes.

"What are _you_ crying for?" he demanded. "There's nothing to cry about!"

"I-I'm crying for Mello," I whimpered helplessly.

Mello just stared at me.

My mind was racing and I didn't know what to do next. Mello's gaze pushed me to say everything, and I couldn't stop myself from talking.

"B-Because you can't c-cry, so I'll do it f-for you," I said as I continued sobbing.

To my surprise, Mello suddenly pulled me to him and hugged me tight. I was so surprised that I stopped crying at once. He was smaller than I thought. Mello shook a bit and I felt my shirt getting wet.

"Fuck it, you crazy kid," he said in a broken voice. "You don't have to cry for me."

And I hugged him back.

From that moment, my life at Wammy's house changed drastically.

* * *

Mello and I became inseparable. We were like two peas in a pod.

Soon after L had left, we began talking. It wasn't much, but still, he told me a little about him and I told him things about myself, too.

I learned that Mello loved chocolate as much as I loved video games. I gave him my chocolate cake whenever we had it for dessert and during my ninth birthday, Mello actually asked Watari to give me the new PlayStation that I was eyeing for in exchange for Mello's gift fund. He pretended that he knew nothing – Mello didn't want to be thanked or to be called sweet, but Watari told me everything.

"Thanks a lot, Mello!" I burst as soon as Watari gave me the news. I hugged him from behind and he tried to pry away from me.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked gruffly, taking a bite out of his chocolate.

"This!" And I showed him my brand-new, shiny PS.

Mello flushed and looked away. "I have to pee."

The whole week, I couldn't stop grinning (and playing my PS – which was awesome). Mello was the best.

* * *

But one night, during my ninth summer, another extreme change happened. I was eleven by then, and Mello just turned twelve.

"Did Watari change your name, too?" I asked him before we went to bed. Mello was still up, reading a book. He glanced at me and he knew that I couldn't sleep. I always hounded Mello for questions when I wasn't sleepy.

Mello closed his book. "Yeah, I think he changed all of our names."

"Well, mine was Mail. But I like Matt better," I said. "How about you?"

Mello paused to think. "It was Mihael. Mihael Keehl. That name sucked, too." He glanced at me, as if thinking over what he was about to say. "Mail is a good name."

"I like Mihael!" I blurted out. Then I blushed. "I mean, I like your name."

He looked at me in surprise. Even though Mello was only a year older than me, I felt like he was a few more years away. The way his eyes shone just made you feel like he knew a lot.

"Oh," he said, also unsure of what to say. "Thanks." He opened his book again. "Go to sleep, Mail."

I rolled over on my bed. "Call me Matt…" I said, yawning. "Besides, why are you reading such a boring book? What's that…" I squinted, trying to read the book upside-down. "Cal-cu-lus," I said out loud. "Wow, sounds like something that Near would read."

To my surprise, Mello slammed the book close and he glared at me the way he used to a few years back. "No, Near does NOT read something like this," he said firmly before realizing that he just closed the book without marking the page he was on. "Anyway, don't talk about that little nerd again."

This Mello scared me. After that, I left him alone with his book and went to sleep. The problem was… I couldn't.

During the days that followed, I noticed that Mello acted differently around Near, who was a year younger than me. He was pretty short and was almost always alone, working on his puzzles. Despite that, he was the smartest kid in the house, probably the next one to L.

Mello was smart, too. But I also noticed that he always came behind Near. Whenever there was a quiz, Near would submit his worksheet a few minutes before Mello, with me following him. Also, Near managed to answer questions that Mello couldn't, and Mello couldn't match him.

It hurt me to see him trying so hard. But that was Mello's nature and I was in no position to change him. But a part of me wanted to hold him back from doing so much, and somehow, that part took over.

"Mel, do you hate Near?" I asked.

Mello didn't answer.

"You know, Near isn't THAT good," I continued. "He doesn't have any friends, too."

Silence.

"Near just--"

"Stop talking about Near, would you?!" Mello suddenly hissed, sitting up from his bed. He was glaring at me, his blue eyes illuminating through the darkness. I sat up as well, clutching my blanket.

"But you're always _thinking_ about Near!" I shot back.

Mello was seething. "What do you want me to do?" he asked. "Think about _you_? You must be kidd--"

I even surprised myself. My body moved on its own. Mello's bed was just a few centimeters away from mine.

I kissed him.

When I realized what I did, I backed off in fear. I sat there, staring back at those blue orbs – surprised blue orbs – mutely.

Finally I got the courage to speak. My voice came out in a croak. I was so nervous, I think I just wet myself. "S-Sorry." With that, I lifted my blanket and hid inside, trembling. I didn't know what Mello would do to me. Would he get angry? Would he still talk to me?

I felt him tugging on my blanket. I let go of my hold and let him pull it off. I forgot what my expression was, but what I couldn't forget was Mello's face. It was full of surprise. No trace of anger or anything.

"Matt," he muttered. "Matt, do you know what you just did?"

I became scared again. Panicking, I shook my head no.

He shook me hard. "Fuck it Matt!! What did you just do?!" he screamed loud but not enough to be heard outside the room. "Don't you fucking tell me that you don't because something like that--"

"Yes, yes, I know!" I said, nodding earnestly. I was crying by then. It was embarrassing, but Mello's face… he was too close, and he was cursing, but he wasn't angry… I couldn't understand, my thoughts were too jumbled up… I could smell the chocolate from his breath…

Suddenly, Mello hugged me for the second time. It was tighter than before, but this time, my tears didn't stop. "Don't cry, don't cry," he whispered, but I kept crying. I didn't know if I was happy or what, but God, I think I cried enough to make Mello change his wet clothes.

Finally calmed down, Mello and I sat silently on the bed. My covers were pulled up to my knees, and he wasn't looking at me. I didn't know what to say after.

"Do you… do you hate Near?" he glanced at me and I mumbled a feeble no. He looked away. I didn't hate Near at all. In fact, I didn't care about the little guy, either. What I hated was that Mello was thinking about him a lot, and I couldn't understand why I felt that way. Maybe it was because Mello was my only friend and it felt like Near was taking him away…

"Then from now on," Mello began, standing up from my bed and going over to his own. Before lying down, he glanced at me. For the very first time, I saw Mello smile. "I'll think about only you." Quickly, though, he scowled. "Now go to bed and let me study!"

As he began to read from his Calculus book, I felt my face go really hot, and I couldn't sleep. Even though I knew that he said that to make me feel better, Mello's smile would pop up on my mind and my heart would race.

I didn't understand anything, but I liked that feeling.

* * *

Somehow, because of what happened that night, the relationship between Mello and I became different.

Sometimes, we would glance at each other, and the next thing I knew was that we were in my secret place and Mello and I would kiss. We kissed a lot, and we hugged more than we did before. Sometimes, we do it both at the same time.

Throughout the three summers that came after, we learned how to do it differently, too. When I first tried opening my mouth, Mello was surprised. I guess my body moved on its own again. I didn't really have an idea why, though.

By the time we learned how to kiss with our tongue, I was fourteen. This was when I first learned that what we were doing was different from what others did.

Angela and Bobby kissed, too, also Pamela and Rick. But I wondered why no two boys ever kissed except me and Mello. When I told him about it, Mello said that we should just shut up and do anything we want since no one cares. I did what Mello said, like I always do.

Despite that, I found out that being with Mello made me happy; I didn't really care about the other kids. All Mello and I had was each other.

Like Mello said: "Fuck them. Let them kiss who they want."

Later during that time, I learned something that once again changed the way I looked at life.

When I was trying to look for extra batteries in the closet, I accidentally saw Rick and Pamela inside. They were doing something that I wasn't familiar with. They both looked sweaty, and Pamela's undies were pulled down.

Pamela shrieked, but Rick placed his hand over her mouth quickly. "Matt, what the hell! Close the door!" he said in alarm.

"What are you doing?" I asked stupidly, and Rick snarled at me. I had no choice. "Sorry," I muttered, following Rick's orders. I think they didn't stop.

I asked Mello about it when I came to our room.

"You idiot," Mello mumbled. He seemed like he was out of energy. "They were fucking."

I cocked my head. I must've looked stupid because Mello laughed. Did he think that I was still a kid? I really didn't know what they were doing back then!

"That's how parents make a baby, Matt," he said as a matter-of-factly. "But they aren't married. They just wanted to try it out."

"Why would they want to try it out?"

Mello shrugged. "Pamela is a slut, that's why." He looked away. "And I guess it feels good."

"How do you know these things, Mel?" I asked in amazement.

"If you read our Biology book thoroughly enough, you'd know." He looked at me, and I knew that Mello was ready to sleep. I leaned closer and placed my mouth on his, sort of like a goodnight kiss, but this time, I kissed him harder than before.

Mello didn't seem to be surprised now. He placed his arms around my neck and pulled me nearer, also kissing back. Soon, before I knew it, I was on top of him on his bed, and our bodies were pushing against each other.

Me against Mello. Mello against me.

It felt good, feeling Mello's warmth. When he opened his mouth, I remember pushing in my tongue forcibly, and Mello did the same. I ran my hands through Mello's hair – it was really soft, and it fell through my fingers…. I didn't want to stop. I felt his hands under my shirt, running over my back… It was… I don't know... breathtaking, I guess.

Because soon, I broke away, gasping for air. Mello smirked at me, and pulled on his covers over him. It was over.

"Mello," I mumbled, trying to shake him awake. "Can we do it, too?"

"I'll think about it," Mello mumbled, but I think he didn't hear my question and was half-asleep by then.

* * *

The summer that changed my life the most happened after Mello turned eighteen.

After his birthday, Watari called Mello into his office. He stayed there for an hour, and I just waited for him back into our room. This time, I had my PSP.

Finally, Mello came back and I brightened up.

"How'd it go?" I asked in excitement.

Mello said nothing and went towards his bed. I crawled over to the other side of mine until I was face-to-face with Mello and I peeked through his bangs.

His eyes looked tired.

At that time, I noticed how much Mello had changed. He grew really tall, and his skin was paler than ever. He looked much older, but still, I found him beautiful.

Now that I'm seventeen, I think I haven't changed much. Sure, I grew taller, but everything about me was the same. My hair was the same cut I had the day I first came to Wammy's, and my eyes… well, from what I've seen, they're still the same pair I had before.

I glanced at Mello's hands and I saw him clutching a set of beads.

"What's that?" I asked, closing my PSP and sitting in front of him.

Mello raised it and showed me the cross. It was gold, and the small, black beads shone even though our bedroom lights were all off.

"It's a rosary. Came from my mother," he replied, gazing at it. It was the first time he ever mentioned his family. Without saying any more, he slipped the rosary through his head and wore it like a necklace.

"What do you need it for?"

"It's for praying, Matt," Mello said, rolling his eyes. I knew that, but what I wanted to know was the reason why Mello had one. I stared at him as he played with the cross using his fingers. "Haven't I told you? I'm Catholic."

"Really?" I asked, genuinely surprised. I never saw Mello go to church before or show any signs of Catholicism that we studied about in books.

Mello nodded. "Haven't you seen me pray before?"

"No," I said. "Can you show me?"

After thinking about it, Mello took the cross and closed his eyes. It was my first time seeing Mello look so serene.

"Hail Mary full of grace," he began, his voice barely above a whisper. I couldn't remember the rest of his prayer – it was too darn long. But as Mello's bangs swept down until it hid his eyes… I think he was crying.

"Amen," he said softly, dropping the cross.

I sensed something wrong at once, and I grabbed onto Mello's arm. Mello glanced at me, and I couldn't read his expression at that time. He didn't pull his arm back.

"I…" I began, fishing for something to say. "I want to know more about your prayer." Sorry, Mello's God, I thought back then. But I needed an excuse.

Mello sat down again and crossed his legs over each other. "Well, you see, Mary was the mother of Jesus Christ, but she managed to get pregnant even though she was still a virgin," he said flatly.

"And?"

"Nothing. It's just that it was a freaking miracle, you idiot." Mello turned around again.

"What makes you so upset about it?" I pressed.

"I'm not upset," Mello snapped, lying on the bed and pulling the covers until his chin. "Go to sleep." He looked away. AGAIN.

I crawled over to his bed. "Come on, Mel, say something."

Finally, after a few minutes of silence, Mello did. And how I wished that I didn't ask him so much questions.

"I gonna leave you here, Matt," he snarled. "There. Satisfied?"

I was horror-stricken. I always knew that Mello would have to leave someday, but I always imagined that we'd leave together. Mello was my best friend. And Mello was going to leave me.

I grabbed his arms and pulled him towards me. I pressed my mouth against his, as if trying to convince him not to go. Mello pushed me away and wiped his mouth on his arm.

"That's not going to change anything," he said, more calmly this time. "Look, Matt. Two guys can't marry. Didn't you hear my prayer? I was fucking praying for our souls."

"_Why_?" I asked, still at a loss about everything. During that time, I couldn't understand. I didn't know. I didn't _want_ to know.

"It's not normal for two guys to kiss each other," he told me finally. "When I told you that no one cared when we kissed, I was lying. God was watching. So are the others. That's why we always hid when we kissed. Because Matt, God made guys and girls to fuck and have babies, got it?" His eyes were piercing.

I… couldn't swallow what he just told me. They… they didn't teach us that two boys... that it wasn't allowed. I didn't know anything about this. Why now?

"B-But… but I thought…"

"No," he said firmly. "You thought wrong. I told you before that I'd think about it. And that's all there is to it."

"When will you go?" He didn't even breathe a word to me. I'm his best friend. I _ought_ to know these kinds of things.

Mello didn't look at me. "I told them I wanted out as soon as possible. It's going to be tomorrow. They gave me permission a month ago."

I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I was angry – seeing red. I grabbed Mello by the collar. "Fuck you, Mello," I hissed. "Why the hell didn't you tell me?! I'm your fucking best friend, and for all I know, you were planning to leave while I was sleeping." That was the first time I ever cursed.

Mello didn't fight back. "So what?" he stated flatly, as his blue eyes stared back at me.

I cried as I held his collar. Tears streamed down my face. I wanted so much to hit his face – his cocky, bullshit-filled face. And tear out those eyes. Those eyes that ruined my life.

And I kissed Mello.

It wasn't my normal 'trying out' kind of kiss. I pulled his head towards mine, and I didn't want to let him go. Mello didn't kiss back, but I didn't care. I was enough. I had enough for both of us.

Mello pushed me away slowly, like he was being gentle. He didn't move his face farther away, and I could feel his breath on my face.

"We're going to hell, Matt," he whispered breathily.

That was too much for me. I couldn't stand it anymore.

Fuck it with him being Catholic, and fuck it that this wasn't allowed.

I wanted Mello, and I wanted him now.

I pushed Mello down on the bed. He didn't seem surprised – he just stared blankly at me, as if he was expecting the same thing. He wasn't even fighting back. I bent down and kissed him again. On his lips, on his forehead, everywhere. I licked his tear-stained cheeks and kissed him again.

Mello wasn't saying anything, but he felt so rigid under me.

Finally, I stopped and stared at him. My heart was beating so fast, but my brain went blank. His blue eyes penetrated into mine, and it was enough to make me get off of him.

"So you're really going," I said, with it coming more like a sentence. Mello just stared back. I stood up and shrugged. "There's nothing I can do about it, then." And I went back to bed.

I couldn't sleep that night. I could feel Mello watching me and I couldn't damn well turn around. As much as I wanted to, my pride was taking over. I felt so angry at him back then. Angry because he was leaving me, and angry because he seemed like he didn't care at all.

_Well, fuck,_ I thought. _This is goodbye._

And I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next day, Near was crying in front of our room. And at that moment, I knew it. He was gone.

* * *

I spent my last summer at Wammy's alone.

Technically, it was with Near but we didn't talk. I'd just sit next to him and play my PSP while he does his work with his puzzles. Or sometimes, he'd come close while I played with the Xbox and he'd play with his Lego's.

Near was distraught when Mello left. I knew that the kid liked Mello, since Mello was the only one who talked to him. It was usually full of shit but at least Near felt like a regular kid when Mello tried to compete with him.

I guess he missed Mello, too.

I found it hard to forget Mello, like what I did to L. I stopped trying because I knew it was impossible. Even if Mello forgot about me already (which he probably did), that was okay. I managed.

That year passed by slowly.

* * *

So now, we're back to where we began.

Today was my last summer at Wammy's.

Finally, Watari came into the room, his usual smile on his face. He touched my shoulder and I looked up to him.

"Thank you," I mumbled. "For giving me this back then." I handed him the old, worn out brick game.

"It was my pleasure," Watari said, taking it. He led me outside.

As we passed by the main room, I glanced at the kids. Most of my old classmates were gone. There were new six-year olds running around, and a small child at the corner of the room.

Near stood out, even though he was small for his age. I glanced at him and he was staring at me. I gave him a nod, and he actually smiled. I smiled back.

* * *

The sun outside felt different than when I felt it during the times I stayed in the garden. It felt bigger, and somehow, I was scared.

"Go on," Watari coaxed, giving me a little push.

I nodded towards him and took my first step.

_Goodbye, Wammy's._

At that moment, I knew I had to move on. I had to let go of Mello and the memories that tied me down to him.

I had to grow up.

_Goodbye, Mello._

Finally, I was outside the gate.

I was free. I took a deep breath, wishing myself good luck. It was the start of my new life – alone. _I can do this_, I thought, taking out my PSP from my pocket. I turned it on and began to play Tekken. I began taking my first few steps, thinking about where I should live.

Suddenly, I saw a pair of black shoes and leather pants from the corner of my eyes and I stopped in my tracks.

"It's about time," came a voice.

And when I looked up from my PSP, a wide smile spread across my face.

This summer was definitely going to be the best one yet.

* * *

**Fin.**

* * *

I used 'Watari' as what Matt would call Wammy because he all changed their names and I figured that he was using this alias, too :D

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! I hope you leave a review I'd like to know what you guys thought about it.

Posted link in LJ: http: / /neko11lover .livejournal .com/10020 .html (Just delete those spaces)


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